Pseudo Habitual Love
by AaronSec
Summary: Love, regret, alone, habit. The human mind and heart are the enemies of all, even themselves. One-shot.


Habits are a horrible thing, really. And people know this, yet its so easy to form them. To fall into routine stuck in an unending cycle. Some would say it all depends on the type of habit yo form. Whether it is good or bad there is no such thing as a habit being advantageous. It used to be so easy. To love him was like breathing, easy and very much necessary. There was no me without him anymore. When did that love, when did he become a habit?

"Ino, what are you doing?" Shikamaru leaned against the door way into our room. As always it was just about dinner time and the unintentional need to see me had him coming here. No, not to see me just for habits sake.

I felt bitterness rise up and could almost taste the harsh words I could spew at him. I was angry at the cycle I found we were caught in, didn't he see it too? "Minding my business," Shikamaru looked at me with narrowed eyes, an impending argument just about to start, "what did you want?"

A few seconds passed with Shikamaru contemplating starting into that fight or moving on, "dinner, I'm going out to eat with my friends. Don't wait up."

For a moment I felt the pang of hurt in my chest, it rang hollow without the warm feelings there were before, it hurt a lot less then I imagined it would. I grieved for the love we had and the life we led. Lately that's all my days were comprised of. It wasn't always like this, I remember the times we spent just comfortably in each other's space.

No matter, all I could do was walk forward. Walk forward, that's what I thought I was doing. Instead all it was, is me running from the real problem. I regret it, it shouldn't have been like this. This continued for months before the first real fight broke out.

It had gotten lonely eating dinner alone. I'd invited an old friend from school and reminisced about our college days.

"It wasn't my fault you guys thought it would be oh so funny to have a damn race through campus, naked of all things."

I couldn't keep from laughing at the memory, "you gave us the idea! I just can't believe our luck at not being seen. Do they still tell that story around there?"

Sai snorted, "Yea, its like a right of passage for the track team now."

"Ah! No way!" Now that was awesome, I smiled at the thought of having made something so ridiculous.

It was nice to speak with Sai. He had gone on to be a teacher, really it was something else that the used to be so emotionally stunted was a 'guider of the children' now.

The front door jerked open and Shikamaru came stumbling through. Sai looked up confused. Yea, when the drinking started I was confused too. He had never been one to drink, reminded him too much of his sister.

I turned to Sai, "its getting late and I really should help him get to bed, ill see you later?"

It was rude but I needed to keep Shikamaru ignorant of Sai.

"Sure, ill call you later Ino."

I nodded and headed towards the bathroom, Shikamaru should be in there. Sure enough he was hunched over the toilet throwing up whatever he had eaten earlier on. His shoulder length hair kept falling into his face and I reached over to tie it up in a loose bun. I used to play for hours on end just brushing and braiding his hair, no it just felt heavy in my hand, strange even.

After he threw up everything he could I let him shower helping every so often before herding him to bed.

He was laid down and facing the window by the far wall when he spoke up for the first time, "who was here?"

He heard. "Sai. We caught up on the college days."

"...right."

Irritation filled me at his tone of disbelief. He thought I would actually cheat on him, after 7 years of being together? "Right, because I can't have someone over without cheating?"

He sat up fast grabbing at his head front he sudden movement, "you can, if they weren't your damn upperclassmen crush it would be different!"

My cheeks flared red from embarrassment, "it isn't like that!" He didn't respond, that only served to piss me off more, "if you were here then I would need to talk to him."

He glared at me, "And if you still loved me I wouldn't need to stay away."

My eyes widened and I couldn't say anything, was that what I felt now? I didn't love him anymore?

I didn't love him.

"I'm sorry." I couldn't look at him, I felt empty. This had to be a dream, I was head over heels for him. He was my everything, a part of my life I couldn't live without. "I'm sorry." Tears ran down my face when I thought of what was no longer there. I would never look at him and feel that uncontrollable glee. The comfortable silence was replaced with one of awkwardness. It wasn't the same. I had mistaken that lost love for a habit, trying desperately to continue on without that love.

Shikamaru hand pressed to my head, "I'm sorry too."

I pushed him away. He didn't fall out of love like I did, I literally sabotaged his love for me. I cried even harder at that. I could never apologize enough for this. This was my fault, it was all my fault.


End file.
